I just wonder why I can't drink normal??
Brattylush,
You said yourself, you can't drink normal. But
you can not drink at all. There a whole lot of people in the world, some of them not even alcoholics, who consider not consuming alcohol to be normal.
A successful, happy, joyous, fullfilling, interesting, serene and fun life does not require the use of alcohol or any other drug. It just plain doesn't. When I first went into treatment, I did not believe this to be true. I remember walking up to the door of the treatment center and say aloud "I just want to get back to the point where I can drink one glass of wine." First of all, there never was a point in my 25 year using career where I could drink just one glass of wine. Second, it never even crossed my mind to think that I would get to the point where I would realize that I just don't need drugs (and alcohol is a drug) in my life.
How did I do it? N.A. and A.A. Not for everybody I am told and I certainly said many times early on that it wasn't for me. I thought I knew all there was to know about A.A. and N.A. and I hadn't even been to a frickin meeting! It took me a good six or seven months of going every Friday, Saturday and Monday night before I started to lose the obsession that I had to have alcohol in my life to be really happy. And it took over 18 months before I finally let go of the idea that it would somehow have been better if I had gotten clean all by myself.
But during all that time, I didn't stop going to meetings (especially on the days when I just didn't feel like
going to a meeting) and I didn't pick up a drug because I took to heart the idea that
every clean day is a successful day no matter what else happens.
If I can do this thing, you can do this thing. You just have to want it more than you've wanted anything else and you have to act to achieve it every single day. It doesn't happen overnight but there are so many little rewards along the way if you look for them and you adjust your expectations to meet the reality of your situation.
I know you can do it.
One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless