Step 5. This is what happened...
Hi... I thought it might be of use to somebody
to share my experience of doing step 5, which
I did with my sponsor yesterday... (both myself
and my sponsor are alcoholics in AA)... here is
what happened:
I met up with my sponsor.. mobile phones went off.
We said the serenity prayer together, outloud.
I started reading out my step four inventory resentments.
Not long into reading that out, I started crying.
I wiped my tears and blew my nose.. and carried on reading.
My sponsor identified with my inventory as I went on... and
on and on and on.
Then I read out the fears inventory.
Then I read out the harms to others (including sex) inventory.
Then me and my sponsor talked some more.
Then we talked about the patterns in my thinking and
behaviour that were clear to see. He identified with me
many times.
Then we hugged and he said it had been a privilage for him
(which surprised me!). I thanked my sponsor.
Then I was alone. I thanked God for giving me the willingness
and courage to do what I had just done... and then I was
thinking and suddenly (about 20 minutes after my sponsor
had gone), I remembered another harm I had done, a very
long time ago, and I felt sick inside. It was something I had
a lot of shame about and had previously blocked out of my mind.
I knew what I had to do.
I was due to meet up with my sponsor again about
an hour later at an AA meeting (this is a meeting we both
regularly attend together). When we met at the meeting I said to him, I
need to tell you another harm... I asked him if I could talk
to him after the meeting? .. then I said, actually can I
just tell you now? (sat next to him in the AA meeting
before it started).. he said sure... so I told him in his ear.
In that AA meeting I did have a few tears silently simply
because I was overwhelmed with the sense of freedom
I was experiencing.
Today is the day after my step 5.
This morning, I realised that a mass of confused emotional pain..
of deep shame inside of me, that has been inside of
me for so, so long... is gone. It is simply not there. If I
look for it inside.. that terrible pain is simply not there.
Right now I feel that in doing step 5... God, AA and
my sponsor have done for me, what I truly could not do for myself.