pinchofsalt...thank you for your message...and conceptually, i totally agree...however, i have spent the last 20 years waking up to myself and my own experience...i am married to someone who drinks and seemed totally normal to me because both my parents drank, were successful (on the outside) and raised "perfect" kids. My hubby the same.
as i look back on 38 years of marriage, all my children drink...3 have had drug issues...each one worse than the previous...over 16 years...which my hubby and i battled through therapy and work on our marriage and ourselves...as well as rehabs, etc.
i am the only one who has been willing to do recovery work...i am the codependent...if i had known before what i know now...i would have done what you say...and you bring up some important points...and it makes me really sick right now as i empty nest and i realize i really didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it.
i continue to do the work...and i continue to get better...sometimes i am in really bad shape...yes, i repeat and cycle and go round and round...yet, i am better than i was 15 years ago and better than i was 10 years ago and better than i was 5 years ago. i try not to blame myself for not understanding more and being more able to "leave" then...what happened for me is that i realized that there were reasons and obstacles within me...and that i can only work on me...and take the steps i can take...and i have taken so many more and they have been so difficult as to feel as if I am "dying" spiritually as I walk through them...and then life gets better...until i need to take the next step...or perhaps I start to take the next step...but it is a process.
i am in a space i don't know what to do...but it is no longer around family of origin issues, or daughter #1, #2...it is about daughter #3...and hubby. My entire family chooses to be in denial as has my biological family after Dad's death...and I was the emotional caretaker of both families...and when Dad died...I wasn't needed anymore.
I have dealt with layers and layers...and only when I focus on myself and breaking through my own denial do I make progress.
Your post makes it sound easier than it has been for me...and as if there are magical answers which I haven't found...regardless of great therapy, codependency related twelve step programs, now starting to recognize and address the realization that there was emotional abuse.
I have come a long way...but there is further to go. I am happy that I am getting to know myself better...and to realize that I can emotionally detach and be ok... When things sound too black & white...I feel like I am a failure and don't understand the "magic" answer, but there isn't one. One person's knowledge is another person's journey.
Thank you for posting...but for me...I have found that ever path leads to the process...and that is why I am here.
The letting go poem has been posted on my wall for many years now...I am still working each line...as it is not the part that I understand (the brain part) that hurts me...it is the part I don't understand how to do...and I am still learning...and it will be forever if I do things correctly.