Even though AA has helped me tremendously, even saved my life, I’ve always had difficulty with the idea that sobriety comes only when one’s “character defects” are “removed” by resort to a “higher power” and working the steps.
W,
thanks for posting about ongoing struggles within and with yourself. i'm finding much the same after a few years of sobriety, so it's reassuring to read your post. that doesn't sound good, i know
about the above quote, just thought i'd share something i remember reading years ago when i first started looking into the steps and seeing no possible way at all i could do any of it: that the two steps dealing with this are about readiness first, being ready and willing to have "them" removed. the point was made that for various reasons or perceived benefits to us we may NOT be ready or willing to have things removed, no matter how "defective" those traits might be. this gave me a lot to think about, and a different way of seeing. i could see that i got benefit from hanging on to some of these "defects", and that not only was i not ready, i had no desire to let them go. i wanted to keep them.
some of them felt/feel oddly safe and comfortable.
as yucky as they are or can be, i know what i'm dealing with there. not as scary, maybe, as something new if i were to let go. which i'd have to do in order to ask to have them removed.
anyway, different angle. to me.
the other thing that greatly helped me is to read the word "defenses" substituted for "defects". very interesting how it can describe the same traits but with an entirely different twist.
but that's just an aside.
i don't know too much about AA, but i've never gotten the impression that being ready to have defects removed and asking for that to be so equals that one can only have sobriety if indeed they are removed.
i've understood it to mean that the point is readiness and being willing to ask. but i could be entirely mistaken and mis-reading and mis-understanding.