Sacha - Welcome! You are not alone.
I understand that you're in pain - but believe it or not, this is a good thing. If you weren't upset by your behavior you'd just keep on poisoning yourself. You want a better life, and you know things aren't normal - so be happy that you've realized that and are reaching out.
Alcohol turned me into someone I despised. I was numb and foggy so much of the time. I relied on it to help me be more sociable - but it backfired terribly. I never grew or matured - I was miserable and wanted a 'real' life. You will get there. Please keep posting and reading here - I think you'll begin to feel better.