wpainterw

Even after years of sobriety I still find that what I term my “personality characteristics” persist and that I must be aware of them and cope with some of the stuff they put in my way. Even though AA has helped me tremendously, even saved my life, I’ve always had difficulty with the idea that sobriety comes only when one’s “character defects” are “removed” by resort to a “higher power” and working the steps.
I’ve realized this recently when another issue has arisen in my health picture. The possibility that I may have developed prostate cancer. Due to my primary care physician’s having found what he terms a “nodule”, he has referred me to a urologist with a probability that the latter will perform a biopsy and perhaps more tests.
I’m naturally obsessive-compulsive and want things to move quickly. I’m easily frustrated by the bureaucracy of the modern world, by a perceived indifference of heavily scheduled “providers”, putting one on “hold”, saying “your call is important to us” and playing music to "sooth" you, then sometimes hanging up and making it necessary to go through the whole process again. Or perhaps saying that they have an appointment available- maybe in two months and asking you to fill out all sorts of forms in the meantime.
So all of this sometimes causes my “addictive voice” to wake up in its cage down there my midbrain and say, “Why can’t they hurry it up? I want what I want right now!” “Spoon banging” I’ve heard it called.
I don’t really have any craving to drink. But I still have this “personality characteristic”. I still have the “beast” caged down there in my midbrain. And it doesn’t seem to me that any confessing, praying or relying on my “higher power” is going to make it any different. I just have to be aware of the person I am and will always be and focus on simmering down, smelling the flowers of spring, looking at the blue sky, petting the dog, be thankful for what I have and hope for courage and patience to deal with whatever may come down the line.

W.