Day 1 Round 4
Round 4 sounds pathetic. I'm just hoping this time ill stop. And permanently. I wish I had more selfcontrol and will. I am so influenced by what others say or do I started wondering as to who I am.
My guest has left on a sour note. I managed to hold of drinking for a while during their visit. But the end I was drunk most of my nonworking time. They didn't want to believe me that I was an alcoholic ... I don't think they should have any doubt now. But then again, delusion is bliss.
They also left on a sour note because I didn't write them a cheque... first time ever I said no. I remember when I needed they would always somehow control what for and what they can get out of it. Now they have no control... so they left and I have not spoken to them since.
In the last week I realized that people in my life are happy with me when I do exactly what they want me to. If I do not, they abandon me or worst go vengence on me. It is like I don't exist without what other people see me as. I need to learn to be selfish without being afraid of losing the ones I love.
Loneliness sucks but I need to learn to love and please me as much as I'm generally trying to please others.
I'm not sure where to star though.. anyone is in similar boat, please post.
Any advice is apriciated.