Thanks, everyone, and sorry to have been so wound up. I hope I didn't sound too snappish and unappreciative; I know I can be a handful, sometimes.
I started out pretty late in life with drinking; I was always afraid of it, due to my family history, so for my first (roughly) 30 years, I avoided it. But now at 45, it's become a problem.
Feeling like a failure and self esteem are issues that go back a long way...I can recall having these feelings very strongly in first grade, and very intensely throughout my youth/teen years, and especially after graduating high school and college and getting really good grades but in an area nobody cares about, and then not being able to make enough money to really live on, and feeling like what I have to offer, the world doesn't value. And so because we live in this society where we exchange goods and services, I feel like a failure, in addition to feeling like a failure due to earlier self-esteem issues that date way, way back, such that the two are tangled up together.
So not believing in myself has always haunted me, and it's something I've struggled with overcoming my entire life. I've been talking about this in therapy a lot, it seems to help, or at least I hope so.
My therapist suggested maybe going to some step meetings, and passing out flyers/hanging up flyers to form an alternative recovery group. I know this might make some people mad, but I think it just might be worth a try. I figure, so what if a few people get mad? I'm fighting for my own life, if this upsets them so much, they don't have to go, nor do they even have to be upset, if they don't want to.
So I'm looking at other places to go recreationally; there's a local coffee shop, movies are an option, and these are just a few blocks away.
Then, I have been at least working on my writing, and I need to keep pushing that. I'm drafting a cover letter, so I can begin submitting some poems to literary journals, with the hopes of building up a publication record. I figure then, maybe I could teach even without a certificate at a private school, I do have a BA in English. It's just that to get that certificate, I'd have to quit my job to do student teaching, and I couldn't afford to do that, so I'm looking at alternate routes. I'd prefer to teach grades 8-12, and preferably not in a public school, due to the prevailing trends there. I'd probably end up in the principals office more than the kids, what with my mouth.
Plus, I feel a huge loneliness, or blank spot in me, in that I never had kids, and now, it's too late. This may not seem all that meaningful to a lot of people, but it's one thing where I feel this big, burning area of emptiness in my heart. I wanted to adopt, but never made enough $$$, even before I drank, not to mention, the legal troubles of a gay male adopting are a bit more complex, and were especially so when I really wanted to, about 15-20 years ago. So I thought this might be some way to help fill this whole, and also possibly be of some help to the next generation, imparting whatever wisdom and skill I have in writing, perceiving, intuition, there must be something of value to me, I keep telling myself.