It happens in this tiny, incremental ways.
Last night I had a perfectly pleasant exchange with Mr. Arch. We were sitting in our fenced-in yard, watching the boys play in the sandbox. A section of the fence is badly damaged, and soon, we will not be able to let the children play in our city yard, because they could get out. The grass is also knee high and the whole yard is unkempt because I can't possibly add one more chore to working full-time, parenting all alone on evenings and weekends, cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands etc.
At any rate, we were actually engaged in a friendly, joking conversation about the state of the fence. And then he asked me what was wrong as I was looking at it. This sort of inquiry, showing some sign that he is paying attention to my emotional state, is so rare; it is like rain in the desert. And I said that it would be great if the stay-at-home dad would work on projects like the fence with the the youngest boy during the day, because then everything wouldn't be broken (I did not say this, but like the toilet seat, 5 of the doors, the tank behind the other toilet, the pipes under the sink - none of which I am allowed to call a repair person about) and because the boy would enjoy doing projects with his dad.
The response - "You are so bad at motivating people."
The newly evolved, healthier version of me, just stayed quiet and let it go (my plan for getting him out of the house is moving along swiftly in the background, he finds out tomorrow). But he said it because the old version of me, pre-codependent recovery measures, would have doubled down. I would have tried even harder to be more kind. I would have thought in great detail about just how to talk to him, imagining that if I said just the right thing, he would begin to act responsibly towards me. I would have tackled other jobs with more vigor - see how I cook such great meals, keep the kitchen so clean, work so many hours - how can you fail but to live up to my brillant example. With one little phrase, he would avoid making any contribution, but ensure that I would keep working like a dog to make his life more comfortable.
Oh, I have been a hostage for many, many years. But, hallelujah, I have finally figured out who is really holding me here.