Ugggh. Slipped last night and had a few pints at the pub with some friends, and then came home to an empty house and opened a bottle of really disgusting chardonnay because that was all that was around. Just kept going on that until I passed out, and feel predictably awful today. Social drinking has officially become impossible. I know this, and yet I keep talking myself into it, for the stupidest reasons.
I really don't know what to do. I am staying back home for a while in my hometown and it's so small and I know everyone, and there's only one weekly AA meeting where I don't feel very comfortable at all. I am just wrecked and feel so defeated. Pouring the chardonnay down the sink this morning the smell almost knocked me over--I can't believe what I am doing to my body, what I have been doing to it for so many years. I feel like I can't put more than a week or two together--I have "quit" a few times before and at least got a couple months in, but what's happening now is really scary. Even just as recently as January, I quit for almost three months.
I don't have any real relationships left. I've picked fights with all my close friends to drive them away, I think. I've been more or less single since my last real boyfriend called off our engagement and dumped me--three freakin' years ago. I look like hell, I am accomplishing nothing in my life, and when I think about all of the sheer potential I have squandered in the past several years the guilt and shame of it just send me further into the bog.
I'm just so disgusted with myself and ashamed of all this. I don't know how to fix it.
