Hi Everybody!
Nice to hear from all of you who have been away. I understand the getting busy. I've really put an effort in to try to get my life back in order. I was laughing the other day to a friend because I felt close to a panic attack but really it was just normal anxiety. Amazing how you feel nervous when you actually give a sh*t about things now. It wasnt really even anxiety. It was just that all new feeling of caring about myself and others around me. At first, I thought about how icky it felt and I understood why I drank. Immediate relief from caring. Then I figured out that was all it was. When you care about yourself and others its pretty normal to feel anxious hoping everything turns out alright for things that matter. It passes and then you go right back into get 'er done mode. The ups and downs level off pretty quickly now. Yeah.
I now remember what kept me sober all those years ago. I went through all this adjusting too back then but then I remembered the part about all the work I had to put into getting my life back. Then I got it back. And it was good. Then I went several years not wanting to lose it. Then I forgot and took it for granted about what I had and fooled myself into believing I could drink like a normal person. Then it gradually all fell apart...again.
Some stuff was easier this time around and some stuff was or is harder. I knew for a fact life was better not drinking because I lived it. It was a blessing to know. But when I let it all go I found that my body being older made it so much harder to actually quit this time around. Physically it sucked way more than when I was 28. I'm not as optimistic as I use to be and I've had to adjust around that one too.
I don't know. I feel like I'm passed the part of it ever being an option now. It's done. Over. Now I get to just work on me and doing everything I can to just keep going the way I want to live now. Not an easy task some days but nothing I can't deal with.
Plus, if I learned anything. I don't want to go through all this again. I know it will be triple hard. I can't press my luck.
It's really not so much about the drinking now. It's about all the work I've put into being happy and balanced with some self respect sprinkled in. I feel I have moved into phase 2. The obsession to drink has lifted. I've done enough work on myself to reap a few rewards here and there. I can see how it will now just get better and better.
I'll bet it's like training for your 5k Toots! First you have to convince yourself to even try to do it. Then you give it a go but somewhere deep done you are not certain you can really do it. But you try. Then you hurt like heck, fall down even a couple times, but get back up and try again. And then pretty soon you move past the pain and hit the point of ok...I can do this..I'm actually seeing the benefits of it..some parts have gotten easier but to reach my goal I have to keep pushing myself..and then when you hit it...you have to move that goal to a longer distance because a 5k will just seem to easy and you will take it for granted.
I think this is all about pushing myself to my limits and then moving beyond.
Just me.