Left him yesterday - for good?
Hi everyone
Newbie poster here, desperate for some support from people who understand what it's like to love an addict. Some of this is me unburdening myself and some is looking for advice on what to do next. Really sorry for the long post!
I've been with my fiance for four years, and we have a 6 month old baby together. His cannabis habit started around the time I became pregnant, with him going from an occaisional to heavy-user very quickly.
The worst time, he was stoned for three days straight when our baby was just 4 weeks old - just a zombie lying on the sofa, only getting up to go outside for another smoke, demanding food and drinks. Awful. By then, I was just about the baby's sole carer - he did nothing for him at all apart from hold him when he felt like it. No help with those night time feeds, I was so exhausted I was like a zombie myself. But in the rare sober times I would see glimpses of the gentle, kind, loving, attentive - like the guy I fell in love with and agreed to marry.
Every time I tried to get him to stop cannabis, we would have an almighty row which usually ended in him promising to change, tearful and full of love, followed by a period of days were everything was wonderful before he slipped right back. The last time, I threw him out after I found a packet of cocaine he'd hidden and tipped it down the toilet - he went absolutely crazy, pulling me around the room by my hair.
We lived apart and after a few months where he lurched from one crisis to another (always relying on me to sort him out / pay his bill / give him money / find him a place to stay) he finally seemed to be getting his act together. He got himself a place to live, a steady job, and he said he was absolutely certain that drugs were the worst thing that had ever happened to him, the baby and I were all he lived for, and that he would never, ever touch drugs again. He said he had hit the bottom, and I wanted to believe he had changed so badly.
He wanted me to come back to him so to be certain I asked him to do a drugs test. It was positive for cocaine and cannabis. He was devastated, he said, because I wouldn't reunite with him, and stopped drugs long enough to pass the next test around a week later.
We got back together, taking it slow because of all the distrust that had built up while he was using. I told him that if he ever touched drugs again I would leave him, instantly, no more chances. I feel so vulnerable and frightened having the baby around him when he is doing drugs. He said that he understood and I could test him whenever I wanted and that I would be absolutely justified in leaving him if he did that.
Baby and I were staying a few nights a week with him, and he did everything that I could have hoped for, and that he never did before - getting up in the morning for the baby, playing with him, changing nappies - just generally being an engaged and interested dad.
I guess I was sort of bracing myself for a relapse, even though I hoped against hope that he would stay strong. But, last night, it all changed again. He came home late, and talking the way he did when he was stoned. I did a drugs test on him. It was positive. Of course, he said that the test was wrong. I packed up myself and the baby and left. I told him we were finished. He didn't try to stop me. Today, I'm getting phonecall after phonecall begging to talk to me - I'm not answering because I'm afraid if I talk to him I'll cave, like I usually do.
He has no family and I've always been the one he relies on, for pretty much everything. I feel like I'm the only one he can turn to, the only person who maybe has a chance to help him. It is ripping my heart out to close the door on the man I love. Lots of things going round in my head: My baby needs a dad. My baby needs a good dad. My baby needs stability, not crisis after crisis. What if my fiance does something bad to himself? What if he totally self-destructs without me to keep him anchored even a little bit? What do I do to keep my baby safe if he tries to abduct him (which he has threatened to do before)? Am I better off inside the relationship and trying to help him, than outside with him bouncing off the walls?
It all feels a horrible tangled mess, and that whatever I do will be lose/lose. I have no idea if I am doing the right thing. I miss the man who was my best friend. Any thoughts, insights or comments will be welcomed!