Wow you guys are so full of valuable opinions and wisdom on the subject - thank you thank you thank you! I certainly didn't expect to have so much help and I am extremely humbled. To answer a few more questions real quick, my sponsor is going through a lot in her personal life at the moment so I did mention my feeling to her and she didn't have much to say other than I should focus more on what the Big Book says and less on what people in meetings say. It is a good suggestion. She also said I needed to pray for willingness and an open mind.
Everyday I pray and mostly I thank God for my sobriety. All of us actually, whether we choose to call that power God or the universe or our own amazing determination and will to triumph over this affliction should be thankful because we are so lucky! So as I go forward, I will remember that this issue of me not feeling great in the rooms of AA is not as bad as me being drunk at least! I couldn't even stay sober for three days in a row when I started this journey. It was devastating. The harder I tried the more I just wanted to escape in the bottle and in drugs. Then I finally had my surrender with booze and found some freedom and joy only to be sucked back into my addiction with heroin. Now sobriety means something different to me... It means that even on my worst day I don't use any drug not prescribed to me by my doctor and I don't put any alcohol into my body. I am not powerless as long as I don't take that first drink, like someone said.
No one else can tell us what we must do to make our lives better. For most alcoholics, total sobriety is the answer but how we get there is unique. I'm so glad no one at SR came down on me for saying what I said. I know AA has helped many people and it DID help me. It could still help, but I will be more open to exploring other options. After hearing what everyone had to say, I feel even more confident in my decision to follow my own path from here and not worry so much about being the poster girl for AA. I'm admire those who attend meetings and do steps. It's not easy. I also admire those who use SMART or RR or a therapist or medication or any other method! The bottom line is that we are all pretty amazing people to be doing this! I don't care what others say, being an alcoholic and dealing with crippling depression is not for weaklings! I have had to fight SO HARD to stay alive. I will remember this about myself. I am strong and I can trust my own instincts!
And finally, its fantastic to know that my SR buddies are here. Honestly I get more out of this forum than anything else as far as making strides in recovery. People are so unselfish and willing to give their experience and hope. What better "program" could you have? I'm sober today thanks to you my own HP and my hard work but also because of each and every one of you who took the time to address my concerns.
THANK YOU ALL AGAIN!!! Hugs.