I shouldn't be baptized because I could never, never be washed clean after what my father did. I thought (still think?) people can tell that there's something so wrong with me that could cause a man to do what my father did, and wouldn't want me around as a result, because I'll sully everything I come in contact with. Does this ever go away?
I still struggle with this, but not as bad since I went through a couple of years of individual counseling aimed at removing my feelings of inferiority and dirtiness.
Your father did monstrous things to you, but that is not the whole of who you are. What it is is evidence that your FATHER was a deeply broken and wounded man who acted out his brokenness on a helpless child. He was supposed to care for you and he didn't. That's not a referendum on you, that's a referendum on his terrible morals. Shame on him. NOT on you.
You have to find a way to get to that scared little girl inside of you and tell her this. Hold her close and nurture her.
This was literally part of my treatment. Every day, for at least ten minutes, I was given the homework to imagine myself as a small child and imagine myself interacting with her, playing with, and observing her, hugging her and comforting her. At first I was so annoyed with the exercise and just felt humiliated and silly doing it.
Then, when I really gave it a go? Every time I tried to imagine myself as a little girl, I would burst into tears. Who in god's name could harm a child the way I was harmed? What kind of person could blame that child for the sins of the adults that were supposed to care for her? And I mourned that child, and my loss of childhood, and my broken parents, and then in my mind I was able to scoop up that little girl and just hold and hold her, the way my parents didn't comfort and nurture me.
For a long time, I did this every night while laying in bed, trying to go to sleep. Now I only do it when I feel sad or helpless or lonely, which is less and less often.
I know of many sexual abuse survivors who are encouraged to try this exercise. Do it often. Do it as often as you can. And maybe consult some professionals. You can see a counselor very inexpensively if you do the research.
With love.