arabhorseluvr

I spend most of my time feeling like everyone will think there must be something dreadfully wrong with me to cause my father to do those things to do me, and that no one will want to be around me as a result. I still remember how long it took me to get up the courage to hold my "adoptive mom's" hand at church (years, I think), because I was so convinced that there was something so dirty about me (because my father molested me) that nobody would want to be around me, let alone share any physical contact.

And now, my partner and love, Jake, has left for another woman and although part of me knows it's because of his addiction and his issues and not mine, part of me is still convinced that my childhood left me forever sullied and that's why he is gone now. I don't know what is so wrong with me that could cause my father to do what he did, but I am so afraid that the people around me--at the farm, at work, even (and maybe especially) in church--will see it or sense it and not want me around, because there is just something that awful inside me.

I remember my baptism at my church, eight or nine years ago, and feeling like I didn't belong up front and that I shouldn't be baptized because I could never, never be washed clean after what my father did. I thought (still think?) people can tell that there's something so wrong with me that could cause a man to do what my father did, and wouldn't want me around as a result, because I'll sully everything I come in contact with. Does this ever go away?

To be dumped by an alcoholic for a woman who is very attracted to someone as sick as him, who has an eating disorder, is not a very good feeling. I feel like absolute crap about myself. If he thinks she's an improvement, I must be a pretty horrid person.