0percentABV

Last Monday I hit 3 months sober. And a pretty solid run too. Like a switch was flipped and I was done with alcohol. No thoughts, cravings. It was a long time coming for me and I got a strong support system. Plus I was still a well functioning alcoholic and I was very aware that my control was slipping and it was only a matter of time before I lost total control. I know I cannot drink anymore. It just doesn't work for me. I got this.

Of course we all know this is BS.

Starting yesterday my wife and kids left for the weekend to come back tomorrow. I'm on my own for two nights. Now I know we all had those moments when we were totally free to indulge and I when I had a weekend I would get down with beer. I may not have shoved myself in the house and just got plastered but I would definately be having one as often as possible. So here I am, faced with one of these free weekends. But really I had no worry about caving in. I just knew it wouldn't do me any good because the flip side of having a free weekend to drink is to be held captive by the hangover when it's all over. But still, I should actually plan something. OK, whats my plan? Well Friday night I'll bike the long way home, enjoy the fact I don't have to go straight home for dinner. OK, did that. Next. Get some cajun takeout and carbo load for a 100 mile bike ride I got planned for tomorrow morning, go to be early, done. Wake up, ride. It was awesome. Get home then... well, now what? Then BOOM! The thought crosses my mind. Get a six pack, drink it, get good and buzzed drink a bunch of water, rehydrate wake up go for another small ride and work out the booze then... wait a minute? DUDE! I'm actually thinking about doing this. Then the battle begins. I guess what you guys call my AV. Honestly in the past 3 months it was a soft and weak voice if it was even there. But then here we are, fighting. So I put on some Sunn 0))) and sat on the bed, opened my phone, and got on SoberRecovery and read and read and read. I read success stories, I read heartbreaking ones and I read stories about relapsing. I read about what alcohol can do to people and then I focused honestly about what would happen if I decided to drink. Here is the truth. I would have a good time for about 2 hours before I would get drunk and uncomfortable. Then I would have an awful sleep with a hangover in the morning and probably afternoon when my wife and kids get home. I would probably get away with it. BUT, maybe not. So is two hours of a good time be worth it? Heck no I said and put my foot down. Feeling better tomorrow is better than feeling good now and only now.

And then I went to go get some food and no fooling the thought repeatedly crossed my mind to get a six pack. Again. I was totally set too until I bought that steak then the thought of drinking a beer and grilling just stuck. Drove by liquor store after liquor store thinking if this is the one. But I just couldn't shake the thought of tomorrow, Mothers Day. I even had a dozen roses with me to surprised my wife with. Sure, I could probably shake it off and push through the day hungover but then again, I don't have to. And then thinking about a six pack of betrayal sitting next to my wife's roses. I thought about what I would do if I actually got it. I would be so nervous, how do you go about breaking your sobriety? No way, man. I got home, jumped on SoberRecovery again and wrote this. Going to grill my steak, watch some hockey and then possibly delve into The Hobbit in 3D. Not too interested in it but I think it will look pretty cool. Get a good night's sleep and clean the house and yard before the family comes home. Be there for them. Their father and husband.

This message board, no matter how cynical I get about the internet, kept me sober today. Thanks for being here for me, for all of us.