Thanks to everyone who responded. These forums really help.
Deserteyes- I need to rediscover the world as well. I left an unhealthy marriage and it was my goal to be healthier and expand my life. Then I meet my ex. Things were great for a good while, but then I noticed my world shrinking again. I became even more isolated then before. He kept himself pretty isolated as well. In fact when he broke it off he said he wanted to live life and do something "BIG" with it as in moving to Portland. I can't go with him because I have shared custody of my kids. It's insulting that he blamed me for being shut off from the world. I can't control it, but it bothers me that he associate me with being a in a rut.
Sassydog-I am learning. I find myself falling back into denial that his drinking and his bipolar aren't hindering him that much. I have a bad habit of romanticizing his life. My therapist says it my depression speaking and I need to learn not to focus on it. It is hard to swallow when your loved one doesn't value you or the life you tried to build with them. I feel like my love was spit back in my face. I still see all his good qualities and how some other woman will benefit from those and he will value her and want to give them. It's a process, but I'm trying to get it.
Wicked- thank you for those words. I will keep returning to them. Hell to raise comes from Fiona Apple's Sleep to Dream. I find the song fits. My ex said he wanted to do something "BIG" with his life and he also complained that I didn't have any vices(in his mind) I felt like he saw me as a goody two shoes because I was self destructive or into bed hopping. He sees himself as a kind of Don Juan loving many women over time searching for the one who will inspire him to stay. (from what I gathered from things he said over 3yrs. I could be wrong) Anyway, I feel it will be very important to me to get back in touch with the risk taker in me, because I feel he devalued the risks I took in my life because they didn't involve drugs, sex, or exotic locations. So yes it does represent something "wild and free" in me I have to reclaim for me and not to try to impress him.