"I was sober and trying to understand why I go back to drinking."
i did it beacuse i am an alcoholic.
"...am trying to figure stuff out for myself."
me,too. didnt work. i stayed drunk. then i got into recovery and used the thinking of people wh had been in my shoes, many of whom also have emotional and mental disorders, but had recovered when they got honest.
i never had a natural high with alcohol.