Well I am on Day 412 without even a sip of alcohol. All though I haven't been active in this forum I have browsed it quit a bit over the last year. I just wanted to get some stuff of my chest that I am sure many of you have heard before but I have no one I can vent to as they wouldn't understand. I apologize for the long post but Friday nights are still a challenge for me sometime and I try hard to keep busy until 9:00 or so and the temptation passes.
I am a functional alcoholic..weekend warrior I guess is the best term. Rarely drank at home but get out on a Friday night and it was no holds barred. Drink from 6PM to 2AM. SoCo and coke and shots until I couldn't remember the night unless I read my drunken texts and deleted my drunken Facebook post.
If there was an activity on the wekend that involved alcohol I was in. During the week I would go out with the intention of having just a couple beers and some wings and 2 out of 3 times I was succesful but that 1 out of 3 I would meet a friend and the shots would start flowing and it would be Midnight and then a hangover at work the next day.
This was my pattern for over 30 years. Since I could go for weeks without having a drink I never thought I had a problem. The last few years though my age, I'm turning 50 in June this year, was starting to catch up with me. Now the Friday night binges were taking 2 days to recover. Was easily drinking 15-20 SoCo and cokes on a Friday night along with shots. I was useless until 5 or 6 PM on Saturday night and wasted many a wonderful day sick hungover on the couch.
A couple of my closest friends started asking me how I was and said they worried about me a bit. Then I started to notice if someone called me on a Saturday to go have a few at some event on Saturday afternoon I was pulling a bottle of Vodka out of the freezer at 9:00 AM and slamming a few good swigs and I was good to go.
About this time someone also came into my life that I realized I couldn't continue to drink around if I wanted them in my life. A story for another day.
I knew I had to do something or it was going to catch up with me. So on Friday March 23rd, 2012 I sat with a couple of my good friends who had showed concern for me at my hangout and at 11:58 PM I finished my SoCo and coke and patted them on the back and walked home and haven't had a drink since.
Now the Hard Stuff...
It took a complete lifestyle change and here is the stuff I am struggling with.
1. All the friends I had I realized really were not friends but simply drinking buddies. I see them in the grocery store and say hi and we have nothing to talk about. I miss them but I guess the only thing we really had in common was alcohol and buying shots for each other.
2. Finding friends that don't drink. Everyone drinks! I have a few close friends who have been my friends since I was 10 years old. They will always be there but the challenge is finding new friends. I haven't and it can be depressing.
3. Alcohol is everywhere. It was over 6 months before I dared go to the Outback for dinner!!! I still have a hard time. The drink flyers are there...the waitress has to pitch the drink specials. I can still taste them but so far have fought it off. Sometimes I even have to turn the radio off when a good ole drinking song comes on! I have realized I will always be exposed to the alcohol pitches and it's my problem and no one elses.
4. I miss the old stomping ground but realize I can never stop in and visit. To dangerous for me. I have been to a couple functions there I simply had to go to. I get there right when it starts, eat, visit and leave and never stay for more than an hour. Have to leave before the Jell-O shots come out. I drive by and look in the window and see the band playing and it is calling me. I can never go back and it's hard as I was there for years 3-4 nights a week.
5. I actually did have fun...and I miss it. I laughed and partied and flirted with the girls and they flirted with me. We would laugh until we cried. I can honestly say many a nights I actually had a blast dancing and singing and socializing. It's gone and I know I can't go back or I won't stay sober. I read post on here where people say they go out and just drink soda with the gang. To dangerous for me.
6. Sometimes I feel like a werewolfe. I need someone to come over on Friday night and chain me in the house and come back Saturday morning and let me out lol. So far I have done all right on my own and keep extra busy on Friday nights but it scares me I may slip at some point. Friday nights are my danger nights and I have a feeling they will be for the rest of my life. Right now I have someone in my life that helps keep me busy but I fear if that ends I will be in real danger.
7. I can still taste that alcohol and the sweet release after downing the first few. I close my eyes and imagine it and it's so real. I can clearly taste it and feel the warm feeling even without taking a sip. Will that go away?? I do hope it does.
So my biggest goal right now is finding friends to do stuff with that don't drink and it has proven challenging. My real good friends support me but even that makes me uncomfortable. I won't even go over and sit on the deck with them anymore as they sit there and drink a soda and they never did that before so I know they are doing it for me. It's nice of them but they should be able to enjoy a beer on their deck. I have the problem not them.
Again I apologize for the long post and I am going to make an effort to log in here once a day and contribute and comment and encourage people. I am going to have a clean and sober 50th birthday this year and am looking forward to it. Thanks everyone for listeneing to my rambling. It got me safely through an extra tough Friday night
