I went to Alanon today and it helped. I always amaze myself about how difficult it is for the concept of NO CONTACT to sink in with me.
When the A is out of my life I feel quite positive, happy even and today I had to admit to myself that I really did not have one single happy day in that marriage. Being with someone who has such a deep rooted problem and refuses to take responsibility makes everything a lie and so distorted and twisted - a road to nowhere good. I forget that I am dealing with an active A and will get no sense out of him which is annoying when it comes to money. He really does not want to give up anything - let alone half of what we had to me - I signed the papers he wanted but have yet to receive a bean!! I suspect that he was blackmailing me , banking on me not signing so that he could withhold money, I have a strong suspicipn that there might actually be no money left.
I cant eat proper food but I just found some kiddie food in the freezer - fish fingers! yum!