AHA!!!! (long)
…. This starts the beginning of my journey to self-discovery, happiness and a celebration of my recovery….
While laying in bed last night unable to sleep with my brain torturing me with my fears, worries, shame and regret, my “AHA” moment finally reached me. The moment I’ve thought I felt before but now know it was never a genuine feeling. THIS moment, felt like the fog rolled away, the dark clouds left and I suddenly, for the first time in years felt confidence in myself, I felt strength, courage. My moment of true realization.
For years I’ve been struggling with depression which then led me on a dark path to chemical dependency.
I always thought my future was going to be me being happily married, have kids all while I was independent and successful. After kids, my life was not what I imagined it to be. I stayed home with them while my husband worked and went to school. With little help available, my dreams were hindered. I found myself resenting my husband. I resented the fact that he could go to work. I resented the fact that he could earn money; he could make friends and be social. He could go to school and further his dream. All while I stayed home taking care of the house and kids. THAT then became my life. I lost my individual identity and became wife and mother (who IS Heather?). I lost everything about who I once knew myself to be. And I was bitter. I never felt appreciated or respected. And eventually I found that alcohol removed me from reality.
It never did anything positive for me. IT impacted my marriage, my parenting, my social life (what small one I did find). And somehow, I still looked to it to numb me. When it became clear that it was an issue for me and my family, I wanted so bad to stop. I tried so many times and failed each and every attempt I made. I never reached out for support because I didn’t feel I needed it. It was an embarrassing issue for me. My husband saw my struggle, but I never found him to be supportive or encouraging in any way. In fact, I had myself convinced he didn’t want to see me do better. I blamed him for a long time as I felt he was hindering my recovery by not encouraging me and by condemning me when I did fail.
My aha moment is that every attempt I made in the past was unsuccessful because I wanted to get better for my husband. I wanted to get better for my children. BUT I NEVER wanted to get better for myself. And I now see, that getting better for myself first….is the only way Im going to be successful through this journey. I cant make others happy when I am in fact miserable. I NEED to find myself. I NEED to make myself happy. I NEED to get better for ME. And while my marriage may be over, while I may never get past the resentment… My children will reap the benefits of my determination. My future relationships will reap the benefit of my determination. The people who stuck with me and had faith in me with reap the benefits of my determination. And most of all I will reap the benefits of my determination.
So here is the beginning of my journey. My journey for MYSELF. =)