One final thing that I've been paying attention to but really came into focus lately (and then I'll quit, I swear). I really pay attention now to the people around me who are always looking for "reasons" why my AH does what he does, or why my exNPD does what he does.
"Reasons" are all fine and good, but it's become a real red flag as a sign of codependency and lack of good boundaries for me. Essentially, whatever the reason, some behavior is unacceptable. Abuse is unacceptable, being verbally berated is unacceptable, hitting is unacceptable. On another thread here recently someone mentioned that her partner was monitoring her without her knowledge. Unacceptable!
It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter if he has "trust issues" or a "bad childhood" or even "he's an alcoholic." Unacceptable. The people bending over backwards to assign reasons -- not just trying to understand him, but making excuses for his bad behavior -- for why he does what he does are no longer safe for me.
There are ways to understand these diseases, and they don't involve sitting around speculating.
This is where my FOO (and his) comes into play. Their search for "reasons" is really a plea for me to maintain the status quo so no one has to feel uncomfortable or weird or whatever about impending changes. And it's probably also an unconscious wish that there is just one "reason" so they can jump in, fix it, and everything will be okay. Regardless, just like he's not safe for me, THEY are not safe for me. Their Reason Quest is a sign to me that they're looking for a way to make his unacceptable behavior acceptable.