Lara,
I can empathize with your desire to believe. Are you lonely? I have been out of my relationship for a year and a half. Still...I let contact slip into my life. Most recently I see pics of my exABF in Ireland...visiting "magical" places...a part of the fantasy life we shared. I would have been there with him. My imagination wonders...misses...and then I try to remember the bad times...what actually happened when we were in Italy.
So Ireland...Italy...India.
In some ways these far off places are so grandiose. As someone else mentioned it is a big fanfare extravagant move to try to prove something.
People who are in recovery call this a "geographic"...when changing the surroundings is a desperate attempt to change the life that surrounds you. I know that desperation...from the addict side (I'm a recovering alcoholic) and from the codependent side too.
Loneliness is akin to the spiritual hole that an addict and codependent try to fill...either with a substance or the promise of love from someone who loves the substance.
Today I finally went to get a massage. I need care. I need to care for my self, my heart, my spirit and my body. Loneliness has many cures. Today I asked for help...and allowed a masseuse to help care a little bit. We all need support, love, understanding, hope, physical touch...attention in so many ways. The problem is that when you decide to rely on an active addict for these things the need often becomes totally crazy making.
Insanity is contagious, especially when witnessed in the most intimate ways.
Sanity can return...but only after A LOT of work in recovery...on both your parts.
Tend to the sanity of your child, keep him from contagion.