Hey Vale, Zoso, LovemeNow, Madison and everyone else here... I really appreciate your comments. Vale I know! I am the Captain of this ship. And it's not just 'my' ship. I am carrying precious cargo. A beautiful 5 year old little boy. God knows how angry I am still at with my mum - for not removing us from our alcoholic beginnings - my dad was a raging alcoholic. But we pretended all was okay and used the biggest whamming lie on earth to defend Dad - 'it's okay - Dad is a raging drunk, but at least he is not abusive'. Well that was the biggest lie thrust down our young, innocent throats, as with education, and years later - I realised we lived in an extremely emotionally abusive home... and it has taken years of therapy - to work through the 'stuff'.
Now at 39 years old - after having been a member of SR for almost a year - I can't believe that I am suddenly in this dark place again...
I can't believe I am even entertaining the idea of giving 'H' a chance. I KNOW the stats are against us. I KNOW the manipulative lies. I have HEARD them all before.... What is different this time - you all ask??? Well NOTHING really??? I have NO evidence that he is in recovery. NONE! Yet I allow him to toss these lines of 'love' to me... I swallow them. I absorb them. What the hell is wrong with me?? Am I THIS weak????
And YES, you are all right.... India sounds so exoctic - are these all manipulative lies???? Vale - I hear you. I (without blowing my own top) do consider myself an intelligent, successful woman with my own business blah blah blah...... there are many wonderful men in my life. I wouldn't accept the same behaviour from anyone else - yet I accept it from 'H' (not my husband by the way). I feel I have taken 100 steps back in my recovery.
Thank you everyone here for listening to me - and thank you for your patience - again, I say - I KNOW I need to go NO CONTACT..... so I begin again - one day at a time....