Focus....
Just trying to focus here. I spent a little time this morning going through my old posts -including the ones where I said I was giving my AH "one" more chance...that I believed him "this time"...where I "really" quit....on and on. It's been three months since I've been on this site. I seem to becoming more self aware, but my situation with my AH isn't really changing. He had 49 days sober, but lost it and has been relapsing ever since. He's now sober about 4 days or so, but he's quick to anger and substituting sugar/food for alcohol - i.e., he's working on another relapse. I've seen it enough to recognize the signs. Last night we had a fight - it started out innocently enough...we went out for ice cream, I waited with our dog in the car, while my AH ran in to get us ice cream. When he came back to the car, he said "they were playing that song from Love Actually" (one of my favorite movies with one of my favorite Christmas songs). I said "oh, yeah, I know which one you are talking about" (thinking he meant my favorite song.) He said "You have no idea what song I an talking about." They way he said it, made me feel stupid. I've started to notice lately how negatively he talks to me - how I tend to feel wrong or stupid when I talk to him. I am working on me and working on improving my self esteem - so the negative talk particularly hurts. I tried to talk to my AH about how his comment made me feel - suffice it to say, he did NOTHING wrong.... so, yeah, we had another huge fight and he slept on the couch. This morning things weren't any better.
It finally hit me last night (as he pouted on the couch, I fumed in our bedroom and read parts of my old journal....) THIS IS MY LIFE. I can either accept it and endure or decide to make a change.
I've decided to change. Now I have to decide what that means. I'm not sure if that includes being with my AH right now. We have marriage counseling on Thursday, so I am going to bring it up for discussion then (otherwise, we will fight or make up and nothing will change). I'm starting to believe that we have to separate in order to get right with ourselves. I don't know if that means we will be together or not...but, right, I don't think I even care. I want to get back to me. It's been two years and I really do miss me.
Thanks for letting me vent. It's one of those days...