Originally Posted by
fini 
You can like/dislike the behavior, but another person (or yourself) is not their behavior.
don't know about that, Todd.
in fact, i've waffled on that for years, if not decades, and finally don't think i need to come down on any "side" about that.
if i keep stealing things, am i a thief?
if i keep running marathons, am i a runner?
if i lie a lot, am i a liar?
Point taken. I am more than just my behavior though. I would like if I only was nice and considerate all the time. Catch me at a bad time or off guard and maybe I am not so, nice. I don't want to get down on myself, just because I say some thing mean once in a while and wish I didn't. Figure I should extend that to other people, benefit of the doubt kind of thing. Not to say if someone repeatedly treats me poorly, I need to continue associating with them.
Originally Posted by
fini one of the problems i have with all this is that saying "a person is not as they "do" " seems to so totally separate the person from what he/she does.
if someone consistently acts in a jerk-like manner towards me, yes, i'll judge him a jerk.
deep down truth is that i don't really wish to be non-judgmental. though i might try for non-condemning.
which seems different to me.
For me they overlap a bit. I definitely wish to be non-condemning though. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, sort of thing.
I went to a f2f meeting today. I don't normally go to those, but I wanted to talk with the person that runs the meeting afterward, so sat in on the whole thing. It was a fine. On of the participants brought up something he worked on is his need for acceptance from others. That he had a very “pleaser” type personality because of this and his own sense of self-worth, was then tied to his perception of other peoples opinions of him.
I'm not that way, but it got me thinking. I think we all to some degree or another aren't immune to this effect. I think there is a saying in Dale Carnegie that, “Everyone likes a complement”, or something to that effect. The point in the Carnegie training was not to heap false praise on people, but to look for ways to genuinely find something to appreciate. I think it says a lot about a person if they can do this.
To live on a diet of false praise is not very satisfying though. I think sometimes going through this, there is a lot of emotional ebbs and flows. Sometimes I'm not at my best or can be very weak to this, like I almost need that praise factor or something. I had a very shut-down personality though. The alcohol help further block out or deaden emotions. I'm not sure I'll ever get to full spectrum, if you will as far as strong emotions. Having any at all is new on me. I'm good at the moment. I probably will continue to be. I'm just cautious is all. I think it would be relatively easy for me to shut off the emotions with or without booze. I think that might have a tendency to make it easier to relapse though. Even if it wouldn't I don't want to do that. I just don't think mental health wise it is a good idea.
I guess I just want to be a better person. Not sure what that really means, even my own personal definition of it. Maybe that is more of what I am really trying to work out in my head here.
Anyway, that was a bit of a meandering.
Take care, Todd