Thank you so much guys. I was thinking the other day: Just like they tell us that we don't understand what they go through, they don't understand what we go through either. It goes both ways.
I'm struggling with his lack of respect for what I have endured. He talks about the 12 steps, and the deep look at himself and his faults that he needs to do as well as his making amends - I don't feel like I'm on that list. I truly he thinks that he feels like he has never done anything wrong by me, never hurt me, never affected me - I don't know how to make him understand. I don't think I can, I think that is up to his AA companions and the journey that they make together - but I don't feel very hopeful about him ever acknowledging my hurt, let alone apologize for it.
I'm worried about this idea of 'concentrating on myself'. That was something I never learned very well, I'm not very good at it. I know I can learn, and that I need to. There is a therapist at school I'm going to start seeing tomorrow. But I can't imagine just sitting by the sidelines and watching him take this journey on his own, boy...that really sounded like the inner 'mom' in me - huh?
There are 2 alanon meetings close to me. The closest is in the same building of his meetings, I don't think I could go there, at least not at first. And I've never been very good in social situations...on top of all the pain I'm dealing with right now, I begin to feel panicky just thinking about walking into a room full of strangers.
I don't know if the antabuse would work. I feel like deep down he struggles with depression and anxiety, and his drug and alcohol problems have stemmed from those going untreated. But every time he decides to go talk to a therapist, he comes up with some excuse at the last minute to not go - I think he's worried that he will simply be labeled as an 'addict' and not really helped. He's told me in the past he worries that somebody is just going to want to put him into rehab or a program of some kind, and it will go on his record and affect his ability to get educated and find employment in the future. It sounds paranoid to me, but he was in a few programs in high school and I think they left him that way.
I just want to understand and to be there for him when he needs me. I want to be healthier, I want him healthy. I want him to understand that this hasn't been a picnic for me, it's been like hell - the hardest thing I have done emotionally. I want him sober, and I want him to get help (and potentially medication). He's been trying to self medicate for so long, and it has just destroyed him.
He has so much good inside of him, I know it's there, I see glimpses. But something keeps...holding him back.
Thanks again guys, I was actually able to write this without crying. So I must be feeling a little more stable.
