I need to talk to someone
Hi, I'm new to this, and I know that I need to talk to someone and to share - because I've kept so much locked up for so long I feel like I will explode. But there is so much, I don't even know where to start. I feel like if I told the whole story I would be writing all night.
I'm 24 years old, I'm getting ready to start my second year of Vet School. And I am in love with an addict. About a year ago we had trouble with Percocets. I blame myself. And I enabled him for some time, because I saw how much better they made him feel. I forgave him when he stole money from me to buy pills, and I cried myself to sleep when he was so catatonic that I couldn't even wake him. After several tries, and a few small relapses, I think they're finally over. We've moved 4 hours away from all of his contacts.
But now he's here in this place with me, away from everyone he has ever known. And he is having trouble relating to people here, the culture is so different (as crazy as that sounds) - so he can't make friends. About a month ago he went on an awful drinking binge for about 4 days. I came home from class and found him passed out in the living room. When he finally got up, he told me he would stop, and he started going to AA meetings. He's gone almost every night since, sometimes to multiple meetings in one day. But he hasn't been sober the entire time. He's had 1 drinking night a week. It really hasn't been bad, but twice I feel like he moved into excessive territory. He doesn't tell anybody, I'm not sure he plans to.
Last night I asked him what I needed to do to help. What to do when he drinks. How should I act? What should I say? Do I get angry? Do I get sad? Do I leave? I have simply taken the silent path, practically ignoring what I see and what causes me pain - because I don't know what to do to help. He told me that I can't do anything, it's not my place. Then he told me that talking to me about it makes him want to drink. He didn't come out and say it, but he implied that he feels I am judging him (unlike his fellow AA members). All I want is to help him, I want him clean, and sober, and happy, that is all I have ever wanted.
I didn't know that Al-Anon existed until last night - he told me that I should be glad he wasn't making me go to the meetings for the wives. I offered to go his AA meetings with him, to help, he didn't want me to. He wants me to keep it all a secret, just like the pills last year - I think that is why he doesn't want me to go. He tells me all the time that I have no right to feel bad about what he is doing - because it doesn't affect me. Just because he doesn't hit me when he's stoned or drunk doesn't mean I'm unaffected. My heart is broken, and it hurts, and it aches for him and worries - and he can't, won't, see it.
I've kept so much secret for so long, having no one in the world to talk to. I just don't know how to do it anymore. I feel like I cry every day. Sometimes, like today, I can't stop.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to help. I don't even know what to say.