Hi Slm65. Your husband sounds like he has worked a lifetime to cope and has found skills that work for him but not the family. Though the old standby, "it could be worse", might apply. I'm glad he didn't follow in his Dad's footsteps and is not abusive. My siblings and I were the beaten ones in our family, my alcoholic Dad never beat my Mom as she would join in, instructing him "not where is shows Dad...not where it shows..." But as I said none of us siblings beat our kids or spouses. We have had other various emotional problems to be sure. I guess we all bear emotional scars from growing up with a violent alcoholic, some worse than others.
Attending meetings yourself might go a long way to reinforce that this isn't directed to you or your children. Have you read much of the literature? The stickies above are priceless if you want to understand what he has going on in his mind. I hope that he may end up there with you, and your children as well would benefit. But that might take a long while.