My XAH came into town to watch my son's baseball tournament on Saturday.
He brought his girlfriend and his mother. Which is normal and reasonable - they are good company and they came to cheer on my son, which is great.
He and the GF hung on each other and called each other "baby" the whole time. "Hey baby" this and "hey baby" that. Arms wrapped around each other's waists like ninth graders on a date. (He was NEVER, I mean NEVER affectionate with me. It did sting a little bit.)
But sitting near them in the stands, I noticed all kinds of collaborating going on. The two women were all about making sure that XAH was comfortable, that he was happy, entertained.
I heard the mother and the GF asking him "what would you like to do?" and talking to each other saying things like "I already suggested that, but he won't do it."
And I came to realize that they are his "handlers." They were there to make life easy for him. Like stage managers who make sure their rock stars only have gluten-free snacks and a certain brand of champagne.
I used to do that, and THANKS BE TO GOD, I was fired. Set free to never be responsible for making life tolerable for him again. I am free to take care of my own happiness and comfort. Because he wasn't doing that for me, and I was only doing for him and the kids, so guess whose life became INtolerable? Mine.
You are in a terrible spot that is going to have an end. It seems impossible right now, but you are FREE not to be his handler, accommodater, enabler anymore, and that is something worth celebrating.