For those of you who don't know me well... A little background... I just left my AH of 10 years about 3 weeks ago. Just basically snapped one day, picked up and left town with the kids.
Things are going amazingly well, started the kids in school. Found a house...
I haven't been as active on this sight. I have found that certain things "trigger" me. But i wanted to tell those of you who are struggling... with leaving or staying.
It is amazing that when you are "forced" or, at your wits end and give up, letting go and letting God is such a relief. I only thought, when I was deep in the crazy cycle of his addiction, and mine, that I was letting go. That wasn't the truth though. When I finally left and did not know what I was going to do from one day to the next, I had to leave it to God. I had to! I had know clue what I was going to do!! And things have been falling into place. One day at a time. I have had to learn to only worry about today. Not tomorrow or next week.... That will make you insane!
I will admit... I am still very fragile. yesterday, I kept thinking... If he would only go to rehab... we can fix this. I just had to pray all day... God I am leaving him to you, you will deal with him in YOUR time. NOt mine... Today, I am better.
I also wanted to tell you. I have had a real struggle trying to figure out all the crazy things he says and does. Like texting me for days to talk to kids. But won't call for a week. Then he sends a text out of the blue... "are you upset with me?" What the heck is wrong with you?? I think to myself.
My therapist (i hate that term) said it best though. You can pound your head into a wall all day and you will NEVER get it. He is not rational. You are coming from a rational mind, he is not. So you will NEVER get it! Opened my eyes I tell you....
And it is crazy how less stressed I am. I knew this was affecting my health but I had no clue how much. I haven't had a full blown panic attack since I have been gone. Yes I am stressed. Yes I have had anxiety... did i do the right thing.. blah blah... But I actually can get out of bed in the morning. And I actually went to friends on saturday night. Something I would have NEVER done if I was still living at home. I didn't look forward to any event at all. I didn't realize how DYSFUNCTIONAL our life was. Yes I knew it was screwed up.. I just didn't realize how bad. Until I was around "normal" people. Who's husbands come home every night. and take out the trash.. and help put the kids in bed...
It was a struggle just being alive. Slowly, that fog is lifting...
She also said to me, after i went on and on about what damage I have done to the kids... by yanking them without warning out of school and there home. "would you have let them stay in a burning building? because that is what your house is. It is on fire. Would you leave them in there?"
So that statement helped me also, just wanted to pass it on. I know that there are so many moms on here that are in my boat. Leave or stay.. I am not suggesting that any one should leave or stay. this is just my own personal experience.
Now on to the job search... Ugh... getting a job is not like it use to be... everything is online!! How do you compete with that?! Any advice on that subject would be appreciated
Oh well....
Have a Marvelous Monday
