Well....barely a couple of hours since my last post / diary entry, which was very early morning near dawn (I get up very early), I logged on and off SR, reading various threads in different sections.... fed the dog and played with her. It's going to be a cold and rainy day, so unlikely we'll get out and about for her / my excursions to parks or the beach.
A few minutes ago, around 8.30, i turned away from the computer, and just sat here in my dressing gown on the couch. Which I do, very often through the day. I could feel my thoughts going all over the shop, especially with...what? another bout of mild frustration that I don't seem to be able to fully BELIEVE that 'I will never drink again'.
I'd been reading various AVRT related posts, and was struck - like so many times - by the determined, dedicated, mostly unswerving belief which so many people have developed in themselves. Essentially, they have a Big Plan, and its essence is more or less the same as the mantra I heard a million times in rehab and in AA: 'don't pick up a drink NO MATTER WHAT'. Or, its corollary, in slightly different wording: 'it's the first drink which sets off the craving for more'. All of this is both psychologically, physiologically and every other '-ally' true, to be sure.
And: in that void of frustration....sitting with it, practising a bit of AV recognition, praying even, rationally questioning myself: 'do you REALLY want to pour and drink those last couple of glasses left over in the fridge from last night's bottle?' Many times I've done what so many of us do, when trying for day 1, and poured out whatever alcohol is left from the day before.
But no, I went to the fridge and poured a drink from those leftovers. It's now only just after 9 a.m. Of course, when those two glasses / units are finished, in the next few minutes, what then? Will I just accept there's no more and try to start my day afresh....? Will I get dressed, in the car, and off to buy more at the local shop (highly embarrassing, this early in the day).
We often talk about addiction ambivalence. This is the down n dirty details of how it works, within me, just in my experience.