JaneDoe,
Forgive me for being so blunt but if it were me I'd rather eat
sh*t than go back to somebody who jeopardizes my mental, physical
and spiritual well-being. I've read stories where POW's got treated
better than you. As far as him driving you insane?. I was married to a guy
who tried to "train" me. Only when I got away from all the chaos
and got a good counselor and support system could I see CLEARLY
who was the "insane" one. No, you are not insane. The guy I was
married to intimitated me with "knowledge and intelligence". He twisted
all my thoughts and feelings. He dictated to me. He took everything
I did and said out of context and twisted it to his favor.
AS far as your husband trashing the house, alcohol and self-hate
are a BAD BAD dangerous combination. I know becuase when I was
an active alcoholic and I hated myself, I would blow up and my
behavior was borderline pyschotic , giving NO regard to my x's feelings.
My favorite "outlet" was to smash, bash and break things also.
When I got sober I was like a dog with it's tail between it's legs
remembering back ALL the times I acted like your husband. I could, too,
act and behave like a borderline criminal when I was angry and
intoxicated. I did things when I was under the influence that I would
NEVER conceive of when I was alcohol free. In AA we learn and
admit that some of us are "allergic" to alcohol. For alcholics, 1 drink is too
many and 200 isn't enough. If I wanted to show someone that I was
sorry for something, me saying I was sorry was UNACCEPTABLE, I had
to SHOW that I meant it by NOT ever doing such things again. I know
when I acted like your husband is acting , when I was drinking, if
my x only KNEW that if he would have put his foot down and
said "I'm leaving, you need help and I WON"T tolerate your abusive
behavior PERIOD", it would have CAUSED me to get help SOONER. But he stayed
and put up with it which PROLONGED me paying the consequences
for my abusive behavior. Not everyone who is an alcholic is abusive,
Please believe me when I tell you this, by you going back to your
husband after what he has just done is CLEARLY setting YOU and HIM
up to CONTINUE this cycle of abuse and you're showing him
in an unconscious way that what he is doing is OKAY and it will
continue. Alcohol will cause you to act and think in an insane way.
Every member of AA I've ever met admitted their thinking is "muddied up".
People that are insane don't question their own behavior or behavior
of others. For one, they don't see it and aren't aware of it.
Trying to make sense of someone else's disease or addiction will
make you FEEL insane but that's becuase you're powerless
over alcohol also. Step 1 in AA is WE Admitted WE were powerless over
alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. Step 2 is CAME to
believe that a power greater than ourselves would restore us to
SANITY. JaneDoe, say the last sentence outloud to yourself . .
CAME to believe that a power . . . . ..would RESTORE us to SANITY.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to get a PFA against your husband ASAP,
take a breather from the insanity and chaos and get yourself hooked
up with some local Al-ANon meetings and some counseling for
abused women.
Please remember, it didn't happen over nite so it won't go away overnite.
Please hang in there.
Debs