Originally Posted by
dandylion 
Dear Terrispots, I understand the gut churning sick feeling that you are having right now. Remember our exchange about the family expectations of loyalty, etc... that we spoke about? Fear of going against family/cultural expectations can trigger very scary fears of abandonment, etc...
I also am aware of this habit of speaking as if nothing happened after a family "blow-up". This is the pattern in my whole family back in West Virginia. It is very strange to someone who has never seen this before. People who do this are almost devoid of discussing conflict in a straight-forward and transparent manner.
YOU have soooo hit the nail on the head here! This was the pattern in my family: Something bad happens - DONT TALK, PRETEND IT DIDNT HAPPEN, IGNORE IT, Move on, nothing to see here.
But I dont work that way anymore, I know nothing gets solved when it is ignored, or buried. I buried crap for 30 years and it only comes back to bite you in the arse. She still works that way.
Originally Posted by
dandylion It is like they have 2 ways of operating (1) straight forward aggressive angry defensiveness or (2) ablolute avoidence! From my experience, when they are in "absolute avoidance", they are more "afraid" of you than you are of them (amazing, I k now). The silence is sort of a "truce", in their minds.
With this in mind, maybe it would be best to have your husband talk with her in a very gentle manner and explain the following: That you are willing to give her 30 days to work out a plan for "getting on her feet", and that you all cherish the time to be a family and enjoy family things together. I don't think expecting her to have a deep, articulate heart-to-heart is a reasonable expectation for her at this time. Perhaps change your expectation to just have a somewhat peaceful time from here on out (while she is in your home).
I think we all have the wishful thinking--of wanting to have the ideal family experience that we might have missed out on. I know I have. Sometimes we get it and other times, the situation, sadly, just falls short. We just don't get to control the actions of others--no matter how good our intentions.
I suspect that, i nside, she might feel shame, guilt, inadequacy, maybe some jelousy of what you have, etc...... Even if so, I think she would be loath to admit it--more likely to be defensive if confronted about it.
I think this is very true too and tht she resents me for it, so its really easy for her to be angry and snippy ALL the time, not just when we have a disagreement.
Originally Posted by
dandylion Terri, I am just giving you my take on the situation, based on my own experiences, in the hope that it might help. Of course, just take what you like--if any of it applies--and leave the rest.
Best of luck. Do keep us posted as to how things are going. These things are never easy!
dandylion
Thanks, you have really hit the nail on the head with this whole post. I still am not sure if I am CAPABLE of continuing as "normal" and I feel terrible having to have DH be the go between or be the handler, when I am the one who made the decision to invite her. He is such a laid back kind of guy and just lets people kinda do their thing. But I know that AS will not allow me to do the whole communicating thing.
So, let me chew on this, see if I can do it.