Bluegalangal, it sounds like you're in a really difficult situation. There's a reason that couples counselling is contra-indicated when there is abuse involved - it only gives the abuser more tools with which to abuse and doesn't help the person being abused for the reasons you have posted about.
Have you read any books by Lundy Bancroft? They really helped me to see the forest for the trees and get a plan/response in place for when he followed the same, tired script that these people seem to have downloaded directly into their brain.
I would suggest that now is the time to get practical and leave the soul searching to when you've more time and space after you've extricated yourself. Wait him out (if your psyche can take it) until you've got your ducks in a row. Keep yourself safe, have your important documents elsewhere, keep an overnight bag at a friends house in case you need to run, see a lawyer so you know exactly where you stand. All that good stuff. I'm sure there are lists if you google (using an incognito window, of course!).
And, no, don't expect a "regular" divorce. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.
Good luck.