Bluegalangal

Cautious relief and, yeah, hope (I know hope is not a long term plan!) - like, will he listen? Can we have a regular divorce without him going ballistic/ nuclear? Hoping that if he hears it from her, that he will take it (more) calmly and get used to the idea.

Yes - he has gotten physical before. Yes - I have a plan in place.

Meanwhile I'm trying to maintain a semblance of sanity and ... reality? You know? Like feeling guilty for having a plan but realizing that, no, I have to take care of us, first, and trying to come to understand that I can't treat him the way I would treat a normal person.

For instance: for a long time I thought that boundaries were like the rules you give kids, where it's not fair to punish the kid without giving him a warning. I always did that with my kids, and so I thought I had to explicate my boundaries to him or I wasn't being "fair." It's a difficult concept for me to grasp, but it's a relief, to realize that boundaries are mine, what *I* will tolerate, what I want, and they have little to do with him (only insofar as the boundaries are there because he is in my life). And I don't have to explain or even tell him, I can just *have* them.

I am still learning how this works, and right now what boundaries really are. You guys have been SO helpful in that regard, so wise. I appreciate it so much, especially the straight talking.

I did tell the therapist today that I will not listen to any more negative outpourings from him about me in these sessions. That was my boundary. I tried to keep it an I message, that I do not need to hear it, and if he needs to do it for his recovery, then I will leave the session. (Like I said: I'm learning about boundaries so I'm pretty sure that's not a great one, but it's a start...) I do not know if he is scheduling more appts. He did not ask me, which he did last time we "ran out" of scheduled appts.