You're right mmhoule, we can't have one. There's no point in being mad about it. I sometimes wonder if a non-alcoholic person was told (by a doctor, say) that they could no longer drink even one drink would they get so upset like we do? I think they might be mildly bummed, but not obsessed like we are.
I think I have tried every possible permutation of "just one" and failed at every try.
I keep coming back though. Eventually I will get it. This time what's different for me is that I came pretty close to dying. I don't want to die.
I want recovery. I've wanted it every time I've come back. This time feels different, but it always feels different.
So what I'm going to *do* differently this time is commit to a homegroup and find a sponsor. I took the first step towards that yesterday by going to a meeting.