I had to leave an abusive man once, and it was all I could do to get out alive. He was very unpredictable and volatile. In the end, while I was in therapy no doubt, I had to lie to him which I hate because not only is it wrong, but I'm no good at it... I had to lie to him about us having a future together but only if we went through the divorce first. I had to do that to get him to sign the papers. I was guilt ridden by the whole deal.
My therapist told me to change my thinking about it; she considered it an act of self preservation and told me sometimes it takes what it takes. I've heard that more than once now.
Please keep coming here and read threads and blogs. They have helped me tremendously. and I've found a semi-local Al-Anon group. I hate having to drive over 15 miles in the evening to get there, but... I so need it. I need SR too, and am grateful to have found it.
Hang in there, only you know what you need and I will believe you will come to know what that is and be good with it.
I'll be thinking of you dear.
HTBH57