Thoughts...
Well, my thoughts are starting to clear up a little. I have come to realize this week that my brain was starting to get into pretty bad shape. I suppose the years of alcohol abuse were starting to have a bit of an impact on me.
Now, I'm getting to this point where I seem to have a lot more thoughts running through my head/new thoughts running through my head. When I was drinking, I started to do this thing all the time where I would get stuck looping the same thoughts through my head- generally something negative. I'd pick a problem and focus on it and make myself miserable thinking about how terrible said problem was, even though really, my thoughts about whatever it was were probably were than whatever I was picking to feel bad about.
When I read the symptoms for PAWS one of the things on the list (
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) | What...Me Sober? and
Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) was rigid, repetitive thinking. Also pessimistic thoughts. A lot of those things I seemed to get a lot when I was drinking a lot. I wonder if some of those symptoms are not necessarily a result of the withdrawal but a result of the drinking.
Regardless, I feel like I'm getting stuck in negative thought loops less. It's become easier to stop the bad thoughts and think something else and there seem to be fewer bad thoughts now. I can feel my thought patterns changing. It feels like trying to use pathways in my brain that haven't been used in forever... it's like driving through a town I haven't been through in a long time and I remember some of the streets, but there are new stop-lights and lanes and buildings and you have to learn your way again even though it's familiar.
Today, I've been more or less useless as far as my job is concerned and I realized I was feeling terribly guilty about it. How useless. Either I do something about it, or I'm wasting my time feeling guilty. I waste a lot of time worrying about things.
But ignoring the fact that I've been useless today, I've had minimal thoughts about drinking. Really, I haven't had a cravey moment yet today and that is certainly progress! I thought this morning at 10:00, "There are days I would have started drinking by now," but I didn't want a drink, I was happy with my coffee. The last several days I had a lot of cravey times, and addicted-type thoughts still, so it's nice that has lessened up.
The last few months, I was drinking more heavily than normal even I think, and I had started to gain a little weight. It was really bothering me that I suddenly could no longer get into most of my pants and the others were starting to be a super tight fit. But already in the last 8 days between not drinking and trying to get a bit of exercise every day, my pants have started to fit better again. I was starting to freak out a little, not so much because I'd put on a few pounds, but because I didn't want to keep putting on more...I knew I had to change the direction I was headed. I knew I had to stop drinking so much that my weight was getting out of control for the first time in my life.
Also, I've been thinking that I was maybe a bit more of an alcoholic than I'd realized. I wasn't really in denial about having an alcohol problem- I knew I drank too much, but I don't think I'd really taken a good look at it in a couple of years. I knew I had an alcohol issue before I turned 21, but wasn't willing to face it then, because I still wanted my time as a 21 year old. Now it's almost 4 years later, I realize my alcohol issue has gotten progressively worse and I didn't really notice... Hard to believe it's been almost 4 years since then.... where did the time go?!? Oh yeah, I was drunk the whole time. (Minus the one time I managed to go like 11 days without alcohol and once when I was so hung over I couldn't get out of bed all day much less start drinking again). So, if I take inventory, I started drinking at 16. Pretty much immediately, I had a problem with it. I liked to drink until I was super trashed. I had many bad hangovers. I found older men to buy me large, cheep bottles of vodka and drank screwdrivers for a long time because I didn't know anything else about alcohol and I liked those ok.
Somewhere along the lines, I started drinking anything I could. Cheap beer, cheap wine in a box, whatever mixed drink I was offered, Bailey's in my coffee. At first I couldn't drink hard liquor straight. Eventually, I liked nothing better than a glass of whiskey or vodka or tequila straight to sip on through the night, maybe a beer on the side. I developed a taste for expensive wine... useless.
I had excuses... that I was a college student, and after that that I couldn't quit before 21 and after that that I couldn't quit after 21 and after that I went through a hard break-up and then another and drowned myself in alcohol (especially after the second break-up).
Things have gotten out of control more than once. I've hurt myself when drunk, said things I didn't mean to, said things I didn't remember, passed-out sitting up, passed-out on the bathroom floor, vomited countless times, been to the ER, was afraid as hell I'd have to go to the ER again, I've had bad experiences with other people I was drinking with having anger issues, I had to call the cops once on my ex because things got out of control when we were drinking (him, not me), I've made countless bad life decisions when drinking. I get into drunken arguments with my boyfriend. I have anger issues because of alcohol. I've damaged my property because of alcohol.
I have almost no social life. I spent all day waiting for time to drink. I'd wake-up wanting to drink. I'd wake-up somewhat hungover, but it had been like that for so long, I didn't realize I was feeling like s*** from drinking because I thought it was normal and I was just depressed or something... My brain hurt. Like I felt like there was too much pressure inside my skull and I don't feel like that now that I have a few days off of the stuff.
My finances are in sorry shape. And I have, um, progress to make at my job if I don't want to lose it. My relationship is dysfunctional and probably going to fall apart if I don't put some serious work into it, or worse, not fall apart but just get more dysfunctional.
It snuck up on me.
I'm glad I'm done. I'm not drunk today. My thoughts are clearing up and I'm starting to see the vastness of what drinking was doing to my life.
It would be easy to forget these things I think and to start thinking that a drink sounded good. So hopefully by writing them down, I can remember...