lizatola

You know, that's one of the reasons that I was glad we moved from Baltimore to AZ!!! I didn't realize that he was a racist, I just thought he was uncomfortable around blacks. I was so ready to move here and I researched the stats on the state to find out the distribution of races in the cities here. I never saw the problem, DUH. I don't even think I knew I was doing it consciously. I just remember thinking, "boy, this guy really hates blacks so I guess it's best that we move somewhere where blacks are more of a minority." I had a crush on a black boy(man, he was a good looking football player, too, LOL) while in high school, never told my AH this ever. I guess there's a reason for it, I just never realized I kept that to myself.

I never,until recently, saw the grand scope of what I was dealing with. His 'stuff' would only rear it's ugly head every so often and then I'd conveniently forget the previous rant because the next one would be something else and completely different. It was like he kept moving the mark, changing the subjects of the tirades, and I couldn't keep from spinning out of control.

FYI: since he's been on antidepressants in the past year or so, the rants have stopped but I think that he's suppressing them when at home because I heard plenty in the marriage counselor's office which was a HUGE clue to me that he wasn't changing.

A friend of mine in program (who has many people sponsored) told me recently that the answers I seek will be in the steps. So, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and work my program. He may change, he may not. I finally have to let go of control of that one, no matter what or else I'll continue to lose my sanity.