By way of an update, I have been pretty busy since my AW left for rehab. Did some travel to visit family, I have been getting together with friends, doing some projects around the house (partly motivated by the feeling that it might need to go on the market soon). I have been reading a lot on the forum, but kind of stopped posting and responding - It began to feel a little odd, I would get part way into a reply on someone's thread, and suddenly feel like I really had nothing to add, but just venting my own complaints. I found it sometimes useful as a thought experiment to compose the reply, a way of sorting out my feelings, but got self-conscious about rambling and just gave up many times, clicking back to read another thread without finishing it.
I had the best of intentions of going to an Alanon meeting or two this weekend, but ended up not doing it. The thought of going through the rituals and sitting there for an hour just made me want to scream. You know, I am just fatigued by all the recovery-speak sometimes, I just want this all to go away. I think I get the essentials, and I know there is value in going over them, but I still find it mind-numbing. It is not that I think "I got this" or know how to deal with it all and return to a healthy world view, I don't. But I do feel there is a triteness to the slogans and steps and serenity prayer that grate on me. It is all too reminiscent of the alienation I felt during my parents attempts to instill religion, I am quite sure, just saying.
Anyway, I did get a call from my AW in rehab the other night. We did not talk about much other than the bare facts about what she is doing, how I am doing, and my attendance of the family part of her treatment in a week or so.
I have to admit, even this short conversation didn't make me feel very good. I realized that I am so used to conversations with her being downers rather than uplifting (or even neutral) that it is difficult for me to engage in a positive way. Even when I feel hopeful that she will recover, I don't see how we get back to a healthy marriage that I feel upbeat about, and I don't have it in me to pretend otherwise. Of course, it also doesn't help that she has been active in AA for a long time, and have grown so used to relapses that I take all of her talk of truly getting sober this time with a grain of salt.
The time away has also given me time to reflect on the problems i have had with detaching. i have for several years had mixed success with this - i try to take care of myself, do activities I enjoy, have fun, get together with friends, and do things alone if she is not willing or interested, or if I feel like doing something by myself. The rub is, she is not a very social person, and has few if any close friends. Almost everything she does is either alone at home, or with me, so if i am not home, she is there by herself. She says she has no desire to cultivate her own friendships or do things without me.
Friends have commented to that I am different when she is not around, partly because she will not leave my side, and if she does she sits alone by herself and talks to no one. She claims she neither has the want or need for close friends, yet obviously resents me doing my own things without her, and engages various manipulative, passive-aggressive tactics if she feels I am spending too much time away from her. As a result, our evenings together usually consist of avoiding interaction - TV, web surfing, reading.
I thought when she left for treatment, I would have some time to clear my mind and get some distance, and I have, and this is good. The TV is mostly off, I am taking dogs for exercise more, and so on. The trouble is, I am beginning wonder how to repair our marriage if she does sober up, and wondering if that is even possible. Everywhere I look there are huge problems - her social anxiety, her professional insecurity, her difficulty communicating with me in a normal way as a healthy adult. I sympathize with her plight, but know these things all make it very difficult for me to feel attraction to her and see her as an equal partner, which is really what I want.
The idea that our marriage might be over, whether she recovers or not, makes me incredibly sad, despite the fact that it has hardly been happy for quite a while. So while I am resolved to carry on regardless of where things lead, I am sometimes overwhelmed with grief at the realization that it might be over. I am ok with going through this process right now, but it is daunting.