Sorry to read that you are finding things so hard at the moment. And well done for finding the strength to return to sobriety after your slip. That was no mean feat and I take my hat off to you for doing it. Sometimes life just sucks doesn't it. It feels as though we are trying to do the right thing, and yet it feels as though we're walking through treacle and looking through fog. The human condition they call it. We are all plagued by it. Some of us more than others.
You know that going out and obtaining some alcohol wont change things in your life, but short term you feel that you could have 'a day off' from life, and at times that seems like a mighty fine idea....until you remember why you had to stop doing that. The luxury that normal drinkers have, to crack open a cold one at the end of a stressful day, used to bug the hell out of me. It all seemed to damned unfair. Why me. Why do I have to be, of all things, an alcoholic. I used to listen to people that I worked with explaining how they were going to have a 'good drink' that evening, or at the weekend. And I'd smile through gritted teeth, and hate them for their ability to do so.
That all changed however when I was sat at a train station a couple of years ago and found myself watching a severely disabled teenager, in a wheelchair. He was about 16-18, although it was hard to tell due to his distorted body. It suddenly dawned upon me that no matter when I thought of him in the years ahead I would know with total certainty that he would be sat in that wheelchair and totally dependent on carers for everything. He'd never ride a bike, go for a walk through country lanes. He'd never have a swim, be able to pick up a phone, go and buy a pair of shoes, make a nice meal, use a computer, take a photograph, go to a concert, tell a joke, have a girlfriend or even go to the toilet on his own.
When I get down, restless, irritable and discontent, and I think that life is really not worth the trouble, his image wafts through my mind and I am put back in to my place again.
We are so God Damned lucky. Never forget it.