Thanks for sharing your pain. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I have this train of thought that goes something like this: I have had 6 days sober (right now, the number of days varies but never more than a month since I have realized how much of a problem I have 6 or 7 months ago) and nothing has really changed. So, I have quit drinking but nothing has gotten better. Sure I feel better but instead of wasting the day drinking, I wasted it doing something else, so I might as well have been drinking.
Its a very persuasive argument to me, and I am struggling with it mightily right now. But, I know I have no power to make anything better if I choose to drink, and that's what I am holding on to right now. It sounds like you know it too, and it seems so strange to me that the choice to not drink is so damn hard. On paper it makes so much sense.
Guess I am rambling a bit, just wanted to say I heard you and have very similar feelings. Good luck to you, and us all.