Hello, Evey. I'm sorry for your pain. Most of all I'm sorry that these horrible drugs are available to devastate so many lives. It's so heartbreaking.
My 22 year old son is a heroin addict. I don't have the same choice to walk away, lick my wounds and start fresh. You are actually lucky that way. My son is a part of me that will never be released...no matter how I try or what I do. And, like you, I "only want him to get better". I would give anything, sacrifice everything, if I had any sort of assurance that would actually "recover" and have a fulfilling life. But I have absolutely no control over the outcome whatsoever.
It has been a long and difficult path loving my son while watching him struggle with his addiction. He's been in and out of rehab, detox and sober living houses over and over. He's been homeless and in jail. He feels worthless and hopeless at times and there are no words powerful enough to make him quit for good, it seems.
I don't know what will happen to him. I try very hard not to worry too much because it serves no purpose. My focus has turned away from him and trying to "save him" and back onto myself and my own happiness. I started here at SR and the most powerful lesson I have learned is about Acceptance and Detachment. I have accepted that he will live his life as he chooses, not how I choose. He's an adult and chooses every day, just like I do. I accept that life is hard sometimes but such difficulties won't define me or how I move through my day. I have so much to be grateful for -- a good job, a loving husband, nice home, etc. -- I don't allow the sorrow I feel for my son's choices to dictate my moods. If I did, I would never get out of bed.
I know I'm rambling. Sorry. My point is that I had to shake the fantasy that there is anything I can really do or say that will change HIM or make him choose differently. That has to come from within him. I had to learn the art of Acceptance. I accept this pain, but I cannot wallow in it. There is a huge world out there and I'm going to be a part of it, dammit. I had to learn to Detach from his problems and give him the dignity to choose his own path....the same dignity I expect from others.
I hope your path to healing is a short one and that you'll find serenity again soon. Coming to SR was a very smart move on your part. Welcome!