Got into an argument with my boyfriend today about a drunken argument we had a few days ago. (Well, he says he wasn't that drunk and I can't really say how much he'd had- but I do know his behavior was out of control).
Arguing about arguing... does it get any worse?
Anyway, he broke something during the argument and I made a joke today about how he broke the thing drunk and he got all defensive and said he wasn't that drunk and he did it because I was being mean. Truthfully, I don't even know where everything begins or ends or who's fault it was.
Maybe I was being a bit harsh on him-- I was a bit drunk and rather upset. Not that he seems to connect it with my being drunk, but rather as thinking that I'm a mean person. Maybe I am a mean drunk?
The thing is I know I/we have a problem. And I just resent the world today for him having to point and say 'Why are you mean?' when I'm putting all I have towards trying to fix the underlying cause. Not that I could expect him to see that after just 2.5 days of my not drinking during which I haven't really been in a better mood or anything.
This isn't like a post about anything, I just need to vent and think it over a bit.
I felt so scared, anxious, nervous, afraid, and angry arguing with my bf earlier today. I don't like the anxiety and depression and fear. I feel unable to cope: I don't know how to handle it, I don't know what to say, and then my bf gets more upset because I say nothing and then I feel more afraid and just want to hide.
Feelings. I don't like them. I drink, no it's 'drank' now, so that I didn't have to feel. I still want to run, but there is no place to go.
Still, I know somehow that not drinking is the first step to somehow making all of this better. What a mess.