Welcome Nomi and hi everyone,
Nomi, reading your post is like reading about myself.
The blackouts, getting progressively longer and more frequent, until I would have them every single time I drink. From one moment to another it is as if something in my brain switches - but I am still functioning. Talking, dancing, saying and doing strange things, having sex... And then the day after, the anxiety, the dread, the shame, checking the phone, Facebook, credit card, calling or texting friends to apologise trying to figure out what I did...
I almost wish I would actually pass out instead, fall asleep right there on the spot, rather than turning into some other person who I have no recollection of being. My ex boyfriend told me he could actually see when it "switched", how I would all of a sudden look different and my voice would change.
Once I start I cannot stop, I cannot do moderation, and the time between the binges was becoming shorter and shorter. Had my last binge on Tuesday, a lovely lunch with a friend ended with me alone in a bar talking to the barmaid, then complete blackout. Woke up in my bed, fully clothed, have no idea how I got back.
I can't take any more of this. It will ruin me. Let's help each other out!