Raja: Thank you for your kind comment and encouragement. It appears we have a very similar experience with alcohol. I also feel that I have numbed myself, can't experience happiness, sadness or love in the same way I used to. I think for me alcohol is an escape, from low self esteem, the high demands I put on myself, social anxiety... There are other reasons too, both my parents have had/have complex relationships to alcohol and when I was younger I had to deal with my mom when she lost control and binge drank. It is not until now that I am starting to really put these things together, having avoided to face up to the severity of my problem for too long. I want to understand why I drink this way, not to find excuses but to be able to be responsible, kinder to myself and to quit once and for all. I wish you all the best, stay in touch