one word that gets used so consistently here that it's almost scary is ABANDON. i don't want to abandon him...i don't want her to feel abandoned....how can i abandon him now when he NEEDS me? i think it's part EGO - s/he can't possibly manage without me and my god what will people think of me? - and part projection - I am scared to death to be abandoned, so i assume s/he feels the same way, because i'm feeling their feelings FOR them. in both cases there is no true sense of SELF, only OTHER.....so the concept of growing a spine and taking a stand and respecting one's own boundaries is utterly foreign.