Its hard to break out of a pattern. When he was drinking you were used to it. You knew what to expect. You coped. Now he is sober and you live with the fear that he will relapse. You are out of your comfort zone. Isn't it strange that in his working toward recovery you have been left feeling out of control?
I don't think its strange at all. I think its normal.
Its unhealthy though for you both. I am sure there is a lot of resentment on your end for him getting you there in the first place.
You contradict yourself - you say that the discussion you brought up with your daughter was not to imply that you thought that it would lead RAH to drink, yet in your first post you say the reason you brought it up to her was because you were afraid RAH's thoughts would go to having a wine tasting with her. This pattern of contradiction is in a lot of your posts. He is drinking/he is not. He is in recovery/he is not going to meetings. He is 1 year sober/I think he is 1 year sober.
Its clear that your head is spinning. You don't know what to think, what is true, what is false, I honestly don't think you can wrap your head around any kind of truth and feel it is certain. This is the byproduct of years of living with an alcoholic and being fooled, lied to, and manipulated.
The reason we push for Al Anon is so that you can start your own healing process and your own recovery. The purpose of the meetings IS to HELP you sort through this situation so you aren't left with head spinning.
I feel your pain, I really do and I empathize. Its a terrible place to be when you can't get yourself to a place where you can just believe something and not be waiting for the other shoe to fall. Those of us who choose to stay with our S.O.'s who are A's always have to know that a relapse is possibility and accept it, plan for it, but not let the fear of it rule our lives and actions. I know I certainly never thought after 10 years sober mine would relapse I think I spent the first month of it in denial. The next month trying to figure out why. The next month trying to figure out how to stop it and so on and so on and so on.
Now he has been sober for 6 months. Every once in a while I get that fear - like last weekend when we went to wedding with an open bar. He went to the restroom...and it was in the back of my mind 'Is he really in the restroom or is he at the bar slugging a drink?" You can see where this was headed.....that quickening of the pulse to hurry up and go look for him, insist on kiss and sniff at the same time.
Then I just calmed myself knowing that if he was there wasn't a damn thing I can do about it. Moving right along.....we had a blast and it could have turned into a really bad night had I let those old codie habits take over.
Hugs (((()))) will be thinking about you today.