Awakenings!!
Have you ever seen the movie Awakenings? It's about victims of an encephalitis epidemic many years ago who have been catatonic ever since, but now a new drug offers the prospect of reviving them. its with Robert De Niro and Robin Williams.
In many ways I feel like I am living something similar. Because of the Vivitrol shot, I feel like I have my "old" husband back. He has been close to amazing! Of course, the Love Dare Challenge has been really making a diffence too.
Anyway, the shot is good for approx 30 days. He had committed to do 3 months. However, he is well over the 30 days, still has no cravings or urges and has not made another appointment. He continues his to work NA program, etc.
I am realizing that Vivitrol was also a "drug" for my codependency as well. Good or bad, it is the security blanket so many of us want. It made me feel safe, secure and with no anxiety. For the first time in a long time, I could feel unbelievably relaxed! "Real" recovery for me? No, I don't think so. Just a reprieve from my own self destructive thinking.
I know I have to trust God that no matter what I will be ok! But I can not bare the thought of losing him to addiction again. I know he can see me becoming anxious again. He has tried to reassure me and asks me to allow him to do it his way. But honestly, i couldn't help thinking "look where your best thinking got you" and Mark Lundholm's credo "first thought wrong."
I know it's his recovery, his journey and his lessons to learn or not but I want him to honor his 3 month commitment to the shot. Problem is, I think I want him to do it more for me then for him. I know I am powerless, it will be what it wil be, I have to let go of my fears but today....I am afraid.
Looks like I am right back needing Codie 101 classes again. I just needed somewhere safe to share how I feel right now as I am trying to release my anxieties and fears. Thank you for "listening".